SAYING NO

Written by: Monica Dykeman B.Ed, M.Ed, Ph.d (psych, Ret.) Partner, Freedom Fields Farm

How many times in your life have you stared longingly at the bathtub as you put away laundry, wondering when you can EVER find the time to crawl into it? Or picked up a book you have been reading and realized that you can't even remember the last chapter because it's been so long since you had time to read it? Or just wondered when you can find the time to spend with your spouse, significant other, children or horses? Well, unless you run your own business, or live in a third world country, the maximum workweek without overtime pay is between 37.5 and 40 hours per week. That leaves at least
128 hours for other activities. Where on earth does that time go?

If you are like many women, that time goes into activities that have NOTHING to do with you or your needs, and I am including sleep here since the majority of the population is sleep deprived!. The boss needs you to stay late to finish a task HE should have done weeks ago..no problem. Your husband is too busy to go to the bank/ drycleaners/ garage. no problem. The PTA needs three dozen cookies for their bake sale.sure, no problem. The neighbour has a dental appointment and needs you to pick up her child and baby-sit after school.no problem. Except, YOU haven't had your hair cut in six months, your new book has been off the best-seller list for almost a year, that outfit you were knitting/sewing is now outdated, your horse doesn't know who you are (and couldn't care less), your car is making very strange noises, your kids look like they haven't had a bath in weeks and your house would be condemned if the health department got a good look at it! So why do we take on so many other tasks that we really DON'T have time for?

As women, we have been programmed for centuries to please others at the expense of ourselves. Gee, the neighbour might think I don't care about her toothache, the boss might fire me, my husband may get mad at me, and, the PTA members might discover that I am (gasp!!) NOT superwoman. It may seem silly when you look at it this way, but that is really what drives us to accept tasks that overburden us to the point of exhaustion. If you examine your motives, and if you can be honest enough to realize that it is fear of having others disappointed in you or that they may not 'like' you if you don 't do everything they ask, it becomes easier to stop the people pleasing tendency at it's source.

I am NOT talking about being 'selfish' in the accepted sense of the word.
One-sided relationships of any kind are NOT healthy, however, as women, we often tend to structure relationships so that they ARE one-sided, in the OTHER person's favor. If a neighbour or friend or family member is really in trouble, and if you can manage to help without having to ignore other, important issues, by all means help!!! Or, there is no reason why you can't help that person find someone else to help them. Just do not assume that you are always required to help others but that you cannot ask for help for yourself when needed.

An article on Mental Health Net illustrates the difference between men and women in the area of pleasing others:

"Men see power as the ability to control others. To males "being responsible" in a relationship means not doing what you want to do out of consideration of others. To females "being responsible" means doing what others are counting on you to do, regardless of what you want to do. There is a difference." Clayton E. Tucker Ladd

The difference is, indeed, significant. If we women repeatedly allow others to 'count on' us to do trivial, often meaningless tasks that they themselves should be doing, we will NEVER have the time to do what we need, let alone want!

So, how do we stop being 'people pleasers? First and foremost, practice saying that tiny word NO. It is the most freeing word in the English language. "NO, I'm sorry I don't have time to work late today" Or "NO, I have an errand I must run this afternoon and I can't baby-sit" Even, "Sorry honey, but NO, I have to contemplate my navel this afternoon so you'll have to go to the bank yourself!" After all, if contemplating your navel (a zen
thing) makes YOU happy, then it is important!

If you find this too hard to do right away, try a bridging tactic that might eventually offer you the courage to use that "N" word, such as: "I can't answer that right now. I'll get back to you when I know whether I can do it"
. If you do this though, give a definite answer when you have evaluated your schedule and know whether you have the time to spare. DO NOT use this as a stalling tactic so that you don't actually have to refuse. That defeats the purpose and will simply make everyone angry, including you!

Second, ASK FOR HELP. Insist, even. You do not need to be cook, cleaning person, babysitter, chauffer, personal assistant to your partner, medic, emotional support etc: all by yourself. Relationships, be they friendships or love matches, require a partnership to thrive. If you feel that you are in it alone, built up anger and resentment will eventually erode the relationship, without the other party being aware that a problem even exists!

Third, and most important, identify your OWN needs, and articulate them to the other person. You can do this in a non-confrontational way, by simply using "I" statements. "I need some help with the housework, because I can't handle everything that needs to be done by myself. Which of these tasks do you want do.".."I need YOU to sometimes drive/ pay/ choose when we go to the movies, because I feel as if you expect me to do the driving/ paying/ choosing" ."I don't feel able to baby-sit for you as often as you ask because I have things I really need to do for myself/ family/ job. If you give me some notice, I may be able to help out on occasion." This places the responsibility where it belongs, on the other person. If you do not assert yourself before things become too much for you to handle, you will eventually end up having a huge argument that will accomplish little other than making everyone angry.

Be prepared for some negative fallout when you start refusing to take on extra tasks. If you have been the 'old faithful' house cleaner, appointment keeper, cookie baker, bank runner, babysitter, emotional support, and errand person for the last few years, people will resist having you step out of your mould! You will probably hear all about how you have changed, become selfish, are not the person other people met/ married/ became friends with.
Of course, if you DO change your people pleasing habits, you WILL be a different person. That does not, however, mean you are now a bad person..just different, one who has realized that her own needs are very bit as important as others and who no longer neglects herself in favor of others.

It will take time for people to get used to the new you, and you may be tempted to backslide when the guilt starts to pile up, but try to remember WHY you are doing this. If YOU are a happier person because of this, everyone around you will eventually benefit.

And for you? The amount of time you will free up once you come to this realization will amaze you and you may even have time to hang out with your horse!